I don’t know what the viewing figures for orb-visualising televangelist Noel Edmonds‘ new television show Noel’s HQ were, but I certainly pushed the numbers up by one after reading about his outspoken views on the BBC licence fee and his declarations that Britain’s immigration bus was full. I was not disappointed. Well, I would have been if I was expecting sane television, balanced journalism or something less than a carefully orchestrated version of Surprise, Surprise meets That’s Life; but I was imagining David Icke meets Mr Blobby and got more or less what I was expecting, only with more emotional exploitation. This was Noel’s attempt to mend ‘Broken Britain‘ (copyright Jon Gaunt) and it was a bizarre train wreck of a show that was hard to stop watching.

The whole production looked like an episode of Chris Morris’s Brass Eye, of which Noel was, memorably, a victim. He did not take that as lightheartedly as he expected victims of his pranks (or ‘Gotchas’) to take to take being hoaxed and then exposed on live television. The format, the second-tier celebrities, the charity appeals and the ridiculous dancing Bonkers Britain skits could all have come from the mind of Chris Morris. There was Keith Chegwin in a wheely bin and there was Carol Malone pouring scorn on politically correct Britain as Noel read the kerraazzy stories of councils fining people for over-filling their bins. So far, so harmless. But then came the obfuscation and oddity.

There was a pretence that celebs siding with charity campaigns were not doing it just for ratings (then why not do it off-air?), there was the organ donor rally that saw a ‘massive’ 107 people sign up in Brighton (I saw more do that in two hours in Matlock Bath recently, with not a celebrity in sight). There was the nursery for children with special needs being held up by kerrrazzy red tape, which, from my side of the screen seemed to be a lack of funds and building staff (or maybe it was the kerrrazzzy ‘elf and safety’ requirements for wheelchair ramps and handrails). Of course the show did do some good, such as helping the father of Kiyan Prince and the organisation who help injured members of the armed forces. But who could not have done that with an endless blagged budget and 90 minutes of airtime?

Noel’s televangelising reached fever pitch when talking about the death of a child from a bone marrow cancer, declaring that ‘we can even give life’. I half expected the man of wheely bin chagrin to turn to the boy’s parents and tell them that he had re-animated the child. It really had become that much like a Billy Graham or Morris Cerullo rally by that point. But in the end he was just talking about sending Andy Peters on a Routemaster bus to Brighton to harangue those 107 new organ donors. Next time though, you will see. If there is an episode two of this strange show then Noel really will bring back the dead. We may yet see him reunited with Michael Lush.